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Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
WELCOME TO PAGE 803 - THE MUSIC CONTINUES !!!
My other body is in the Photoshop.
How did the chemist who failed the temperature test get? Absolute zero.
Age is just the number of hours I'm hungover for.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.
My pencil is gone. It's pointless though.
My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.
Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can 'ho ho ho'!
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Wait until it's born.
There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
Its girls like u that cause global warming!
I asked my friend a question while he was eating an orange, but all I got was a pithy response.
It currently feels like we're living in the "Days Leading Up To..." section of the history books.
Hell hath no fury like a mother who sees her child using plates reserved only for guests.
Although I have to repeat myself several times for my children to listen, I take great comfort knowing that one day nothing will annoy them more than me repeating myself.
What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers!
A large group of other people's children is called a "Nope".