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Why are badminton players so loud? Because they are always making a racket!
What did the pirate say when he found someone? I sea you!
How does a blonde drown a fish? She puts it in water!
I screamed at my neighbor, "What on earth are you doing on our roof!"
He screamed back, "I saw you at the bar, and you said the drinks were on the house!"
WELCOME TO PAGE 802 - I'M JUST SINGING BY MYSELF AT THE MOMENT !!
Why did the Easter egg hide? Because he was a little chicken!
If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
The four most beautiful words in our common language: "I told you so."
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I've never been very good at geography. But I can name at least one city in France, which is Nice.
I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.
Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?'
My doctor told me you 'll be alive only for 24 hours! When I wanted to leave him he told me: "Excuse me I had forgotten to tell you that yesterday."
Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.
Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional.
"Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
Energizer bunny arrested; charged with battery.
Just a reminder to all married people: If you have promised your wife or husband that you will love her 24/7, then today is 24/7!