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Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.
Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.
WELCOME TO PAGE 800 - ONWARD TO 850 !!!
It's better to be the first lover than a third wife.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Why did the M&M go to school? Because he really wanted to be a Smartie!
My mother used to make me walk the plank when I was younger, we couldn't afford a dog.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
Hey baby, if I supply the voltage and you some resistance, imagine the current we can make together.
Marriage is all about compromise. For example, today I agreed to never sit in certain chairs in exchange for one chair I can sleep in.
For Valentines Day I have been contemplating my current and past relationships. I organized the data and plotted it using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis.
I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding. I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.
Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.
How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.
Why do blondes always wash there hair? They just read the instructions. Lather... Rinse... Repeat...
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block.
Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack.
What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.
People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole.
I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn't make it up.
finally found a diet plan that works. It's called 'The Cost of Food'.
One time somebody said if I was an element, I'd be copper. Then someone else told me I'm tellurium. Does that mean I'm CuTe?
Why are pigs so bad at soccer? They are always hogging the ball!
Every time I tell a punny cow joke, I butcher it.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
My weight loss goal is simple. I just want to lie on the beach without marine biologists pouring buckets of water over me.
My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.