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Want to hear a pizza joke... nah, it's too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it's too lame.
WELCOME TO PAGE 801 - AND THE BEAT GOES ON !!!
If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front.
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy...take two.
If a dog was a computer, would its bark be bigger than its byte?
What happens to lacrosse players who go blind? They become referees.
What goes "oh oh oh"? Santa walking backwards.
How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids? If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? "I'm stuck on you!"
If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Tea is like F5 to me, it's refreshing.
Marriage through the ages creates new reflexive responses, for example it was only the other night the wife panted that she was so very hot, so I turned on the airconditioner.
Sure, I may be slow, but I do lousy work.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
Muy Picante: What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!
What is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine.
Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition?
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.
Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.
What is the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Why did the broom get a poor grade in school? Because it was always sweeping during class!
Concerning the absence of toilet paper, there should be complaint books laid out at publicly used places.
I hate reality. But where else can you get a good steak dinner?
Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.