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Why was the tree excited about the future? It was ready to turn over a new leaf!
WELCOME TO PAGE 799 - ONE MORE PAGE TO GO !!!
I'm starting to think cyber security is at the same level as mall security
I'm so introverted I won't even talk to myself.
What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
I caught my neighborhood stealing my red food dye... When he was caught red handed he said "I'm gonna dye".
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left". So they started crying and went home.
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
How does a blonde high-five? She smacks herself in the forehead.
How does a snowman get around? He rides an icicle!
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."
I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
The light at the end of the tunnel... might just be an incoming train.
16 Blondes are standing outside the bar. Why didn't they go in? The sign said 18+.
Let's convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What did the blonde say when she saw Cheerios? Donut seeds.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer.
I love the way the Earth rotates. It literally makes my day.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
When I play rock, paper, scissors, people think I always choose scissors. They're wrong. I'm actually flashing a peace sign. Stop the violence.
Pay no attention to the elephant in the room: it's ir-elephant.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!