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The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
WELCOME TO PAGE 798 - TWO PAGES TO GO UNTIL 800 !!
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.
I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her.
How do most men define a wedding? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
I don't mean to brag but I'm helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can't really talk about it.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people. Pun in, 10 dead.
Marriage isn't for everybody - men for instance!
There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey.
Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.
Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.
Wanna measure the coefficient of static friction between us?
Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said "concentrate"!
Instead of comparing yourself to your peers, change it up and compare yourself to rocks. I am doing pretty good for a rock.
I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornados... It's only a draft at the moment.
What's another name for the highway to hell?
The route of all evil.
If Apple built a house would it have windows?
After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."
Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, "Isn't it dark down here?" She replies, "I don't know. I can't see."
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.
You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
My name is John but you can call me tonight.
I want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, wait for someone to open it and yell "WELCOME TO NARNIA".
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.
Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.