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SCARY ONE-LINERS
Ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT your captain speaking.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
“I can’t sleep” she whispered, crawling into bed with me. I woke up cold, clutching the dress she was buried in.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
Rats taste better the longer you’ve been without other food.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
You get home, tired after a long day’s work and ready for a relaxing night alone. You reach for the light switch, but another hand is already there.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
I never go to sleep. But I keep waking up.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
The longer I wore it the more it grew on me. She had such pretty skin.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
To the man that has everything. Please return the rest of my daughter.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
Why do lights flicker whenever our landlord enters our house?
SCARY ONE-LINERS
If you were away yesterday... Who was the masked man who spent a romantic evening with me?
SCARY ONE-LINERS
Working the night shift alone tonight. There is a face in the cellar staring at the security camera.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
The new job at the blood bank was ideal for me, but I had to leave. They caught me drinking on the job.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
His fingers brushed the raised bumps on the placard and he felt the words "Danger. Do not touch."
SCARY ONE-LINERS
It was the fear of dying alone which ultimately made me bring that bomb to the nearest subway station.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
I’ve been nailed to a wall for six months, the only thing she’s fed me is my own flesh. Today she showed me my reflection, I can see my spine but I’m so hungry.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
It’s a tough job, being a butcher in the middle of a meat shortage. I think the homeless are starting to wise up to why their friends are disappearing, too.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
My daughter won't stop crying and screaming in the middle of the night. I visit her grave and ask her to stop. But she doesn't.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
“Don’t worry guys, the alien is dead,” said my mute friend.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
I watched in terror as the microwave countdown turned into negative digits.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
The death of grandma was tough on us all, but we had to eat or we'd starve.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
"Who the hell left that thing running?", you hear shortly before you feel your brain begin to shut down.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
I love daddy so much I bought him a bigger freezer.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
“Doctor I got rid of all my friends that you said I was imagining,” he said, “but now the problem is that when I try to explain, the cops say they can’t see you!”
SCARY ONE-LINERS
He went inside the infamous haunted villa and spent a night there just to prove ghosts do not exist. When he returned home he was talking in three different voices.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant, until it started trying to claw its way out.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
Oh snap, where'd the spider go.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
Normally the bodies in bed with me don’t breathe, much less snore.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
She insisted it was only a birthmark, but birthmarks don't have teeth inside them.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
You’re laying in bed and with your feet dangling out of the covers. You feel a hand grab your feet.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
My wife woke me up last night to tell me there was an intruder in our house, though she was murdered by an intruder 2 years ago.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
Why has our dog began to bark at you since you have returned from Afghanistan?