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SCARY ONE-LINERS
I don’t mind that my housemate brings guys home. But just once, I’d like to see one of them leave.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
She figured the quickest way to help him get over his fear of the water was to hold him under the surface until he stopped panicking.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
I always thought my cat had a staring problem, she always seemed fixated on my face. Until one day, when I realized that she was always looking just behind me.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
They found her dead body hanging from the ceiling. AGAIN.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
My wife keeps trying to convince me that our daughter passed away 2 years ago. As we argue, a small voice asks me, “Who are you talking to, daddy?”
SCARY ONE-LINERS
Nurse’s Note: Born 7 pounds 10 ounces, 18 inches long, 32 fully formed teeth. Silent, always smiling.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
My father wasn’t too terrible, but I certainly preferred my mother. Though, in hindsight, I may have simply overcooked him.
Hehe, I'm just copy pasting.. so no formatting..
SCARY ONE-LINERS
A few hours after I was buried alive, I was thrilled when I heard someone digging me out. My joy quickly faded when I realized the sound was coming from under me.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
My brother died yesterday. Now I wish the doctor separated us at birth.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
Why are the speed bumps screaming?
SCARY ONE-LINERS
The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock at the door.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
When death came, I begged her not to take me as my newborn son needed me. Death laughed dryly, “But dear mother, I’m not here for you”.
Somebody commented to this: If death touches that baby he'll meet super death. Mother's love, nothing triumphs that!
SCARY ONE-LINERS
My dad is a mad scientist and does his experiments in the basement. He doesn’t let me out because he says that mom will be horrified of me.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
Don’t worry, you will learn to love me with time.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
“Oops”, said the surgeon.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
The band was so loud that I couldn't even hear the guy next to me scream as the knife went in.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
You just won a staring contest against a doll.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
It only dawned on me once he slid the lock bolt firmly shut that his badge didn't look very convincing at all.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
Day 312. Internet still not working.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
You hear your mom calling you from the kitchen, and as you are heading down the stairs, you hear a whisper saying "Don't go down there honey, I heard it too".
Wow, page 192!
SCARY ONE-LINERS
"In the oven," said the note found inside the empty crib.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
If you get scared at night, don’t keep your eyes closed for too long because there’s a reason you’re scared, and now you can’t see it approach.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
There's nothing like the laughter of a baby unless it’s 1 am and you are home, alone.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
I had to quit my job as a surgeon because I had minor cravings I never knew about.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
She always had restless leg syndrome, but the weird thing was that it didn’t stop even after she died.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
You start to drift off into a comfortable sleep when you hear your name being whispered. You live alone.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
I’ve been looking for my sister all day long. But I don’t remember where I put all of the pieces.
SCARY ONE-LINERS
As I held my only child in my arms, I heard her crying from the nursery on the baby monitor.