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Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.
A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, "What if these two socks don't even like each other?"
WELCOME TO PAGE 535 - ALMOST CHRISTMAS TIME !!!
What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxi.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron which is ironic.
My friend claims that he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.
If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card. She's not sick, I just think she could get better.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. U should of saw her face as I drove pasta.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Dad: "No sun."
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing.