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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?
Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mum saying "I have a computer question."
WELCOME TO PAGE 532 - THE RETURN OF FRANK !!!
The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.
I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Dream carefully, because dreams come true.
Can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's an escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Think it's time for a new keyboard.
I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
A wise man once said... Nothing, he only listened.
I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me something smells.
What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.