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Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.
It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything"
WELCOME TO PAGE 534 - MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE !!!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away.
Craze!
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it. Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"
In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".
A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".
YES !!!
Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am.
I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.
Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.