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Comments

  • Q: What is a plumber's favorite food? A: A leek!

  • forgets to bring phone into the bathroom I'm off the grid

  • My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.

  • WELCOME TO PAGE 842 - STILL SLOWLY WORKING MY WAY TO PAGE 850 !!!

  • Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

  • Why do we call "#" a hashtag and not pound? Because feminists wouldn't appreciate the PoundMeToo movement.

  • I turned on the light to wake up my kids. My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button

  • What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.

  • If you have worked and didn't get anything, it means someone else got it.

  • I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

  • Autocorrect is Freudian slip of smartphone age.

  • I have clean conscience. I haven't used it once until now.

  • What is a blonde's favorite color? Glitter.

  • Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

  • Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

  • Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.

  • The bartender says "we don't serve time travelers in here". A time traveler walks into a bar.

  • "What are you eating and how can I help?"
    -Dogs

  • Happy Birthday! You're now living proof of the old saying that "Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."

  • I'm ready to start a family, in the sense that I have enough chip clips for 6 people.

  • 2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.

  • A women's work that is never done is the stuff that she asked her husband to do.

  • Don't anybody move! I lost my brain somewhere here.

  • I came into this world screaming and I still haven't stopped.

  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

  • It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  • Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love.

  • An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

  • I'd tell a joke about claustrophobic people, but it might be to tight for you.

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