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Thanks honey for rolling over at 3am and telling me I should get some sleep.
In my insomnia stupor that hadn't crossed my mind.
I watched a documentary on LSD last night, it really changed my perception.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
WELCOME TO PAGE 805 - WE ARE ALL JUST PIRATES NOW !!
Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity.
I feel so tired every time I meet you... Why? Because whenever I look into your eyes I can't find the way out.
I love my six packs so much that I have protected it with layers of fat.
I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom? Cause he had 'no body' to dance with.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their kids have to play inside!
People often ask me if my French jokes are immature... wee.
Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
Men of quality respect women's equality.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because of the lactose.
Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
668 – The neighbour of the beast.
What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni change.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
I ran into lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained a light injuries.
God, I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce.
When do you congratulate someone on their mistake? On their marriage.
My wife just accused me of looking like someone who doesn't know how to shave properly... Bloody cheek!
I wanted to make a joke about criminals, but I was scared it would get stolen.