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5-year plan? I haven't even planned this sentence volcano.
WELCOME TO PAGE 796 - GOING, GOING, ON TO PAGE 800 !!!
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn't get a job because he couldn't tie a tie. She meant goals
I only drink on days beginning with "T". Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow.
I can't get enough minimalism.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park!
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
Why did the coach go back to the bank? To get his quarterback!
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.
It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.
There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A... if you know what I mean.
What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time.
How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.
I am so single once I tried to change my Facebook status from single to relationship, captcha pops on my screen Facebook thought I may be a robot
I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.
Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore.
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Cashier: "How would you like to pay for this."
Me: "Not at all."
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
I got myself into this, and I'll get myself even deeper into this.
Kleenex tissues were supposed to be for gas masks.
During a cotton shortage in World War I, Kimberly-Clark devised a thin, flat cotton substitute to use as a filter for army gas masks. However, the war ended before scientists could perfect the material. In turn, the company constructed a thinner and softer material that eventually became Kleenex tissues.