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I've pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I've accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
Student: "At the bottom of the page!"
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
WELCOME TO PAGE 745 - ONLY FIVE PAGES TO 750 !!!
I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I'm drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that's how they'll look 90% of the time.
Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day? Let me call you Tweet heart!
What's a horse's favorite sport? Stable Tennis.
There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Today I have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee. Brocco Lee.
Someone donates one kidney and is hailed as a hero. I donate five, and get arrested?
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.
The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.
I didn't know angels could fly so low.
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
What do you call a frog stuck in mud? Unhoppy.
Some people are so poor, all they have is money.
Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
What's your best non swearing insult? I hope you step on a lego.
Fat Penguin. Excuse me?! I just wanted to say something that breaks the ice...