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Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir.
Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.
WELCOME TO PAGE 746 - FOUR MORE TO GO UNTIL PAGE 750 !!
She said I wanna look bomb in the party. I said don't worry, we'll have a blast.
What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH
Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.
I'm Irish. You're not really speaking my language until you start yelling.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
It's easier to remember your age if you don't change it every year.
If elevators hadn't been invented, all the CEOs would have their offices on the first floor as a sign of status. And the entry level employees would be up on the 60th floor.
What do you call someone without a nose or a body? Nobodynose.
Did you hear about the guy who choked on a pretzel? He was very salty.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff!
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little animal you have to keep alive is yourself.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Fathering two daughters seemed like a good idea, but then glitter.
Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other "do you have to do that right now?"
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Life is an internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month.
Absolutely furious that a handful of things not suited to my taste are well liked by others.
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.