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If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she's sleeping.
WELCOME TO PAGE 744 - IT'S SO TWISTED (SISTER) !!!!
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls.
Breaking: Man takes longer to find emoji than it would have taken him to find words that convey what he wanted.
How is Columbia not a superpower yet? They produce cocaine and coffee.
Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers!
You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, "I'm fine" than when you are flying on an airplane.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail? To a re-tail store!
Need some thing more collorful, ithink ?
I think my girlfriend has a blind fetish. Last night she said we should stop seeing each other.
The look in my wife's eyes when she left for Target makes me think she is going to try and save the economy in one trip.
If I had $1 for every time I looked on the negative side of things, I'd have a huge tax bill.
My old teacher used to tell me that I'd never be any good at poetry due to my dyslexia. Well I've recently made 3 jugs and a vase so up yours Mr Jones.
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks for it, tell them it's 12345678.
I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
Signwriters have their work cut out, don't they?
The best way to keep a job is to work at i
Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
Even if it wasn't cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.
The doctor hands me the baby and tells me my wife didn't make it. So I politely return the baby and ask for the one my wife made.
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Slept like a log last night... Woke up in the fireplace.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.