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I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.
I think you press "0" to be connected with customer service because that's the amount of help they give you.
WELCOME TO PAGE 743 - ON THE WAY TO 750 !!!
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."
Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs. One turns to the other and says: "He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there."
Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes". She took away the extra chair in front of me.
I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.
If we're going to arm the teachers at least give the librarians silencers.
You know why there aren't any good science puns nowadays? Because all the good ones argon.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
My Girlfriend was walking in her sleep so I put a vacuum cleaner in her hand...
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions which your wife asks for nothin
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words.
If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President
People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper, for example.
It's not what man can create it's what man can become.