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What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.
WELCOME TO PAGE 646 -- ON THE WAY TO 650 !!!
Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.
Books are just TV for smart people.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Definition of Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
There's no 'I' in team, but there is a 'U' in suck.
I changed my password to "incorrect", so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Saying "super size it" at the drive-thru doesn't work when it's a pharmacy.
Best math book never written: "High School Math" by Cal Q. Luss
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality, we have to deal with 40% more spider webs than you do.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
After kissing a girl on her sofa she said "let's take this upstairs"."Ok" I said "You grab one end and I'll grab the other"
Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.
What would you get if you crossed a athlete and the Invisible Man?… Sports like no one has ever seen.
My dog and I both freak out whenever the doorbell rings but we run in opposite directions.
The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.