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I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already $150 up. I love being a postman!
I love how in horror movies the person will ask, "Is anyone there?" As if the killer would say "Oh yeah I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.
WELCOME TO PAGE 643 - THE RETURN OF FRANK !!!
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: "Beef Jerky!"
What does a liar do after he dies? He lies still.
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.
I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Here is a yabs for the France VPS that you requested, but the GB5 does not run because I have not set it up completely yet. I'll do so and add a full yabs in a little while.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
Not hiring someone because they have tattoos completely ignores the fact that they clearly have no issues with pain or commitment.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I know I know, smoking's bad for me and all. But, my mama told me never to be a quitter.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors.
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg? Cause thay had a weigh in the mangor.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
So far eating hasn't filled the emptiness I feel inside, but I'm no quitter.
If your going to be two faced at least make one of them pretty.