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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages
Need I say more?
WELCOME TO PAGE 536 - IT"S THAT PAGE !!!!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"
The student replied, "It is obviously past."
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
A chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman says, "Who's first?"
My fear of moving stairs escalates.
I asked the bus driver "How long will the next bus be?" He replied "Same length as this one."
Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
"Two beer or not two beer, that's the question!" William Shakesbeer
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.
Love is not the number of times you kissed her, but the number of moments you were dying to kiss her.
My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the family because, "Everyone just eats it."
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If nothing was learned, nothing was taught.
What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talking about.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day