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I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
I'm an antisocial-psychic. I can see ahead of time that I won't want to talk to you.
The fish tube is a government ploy to distract us from the very suspicious circumstances surrounding Jeffrey Epstein's death stay woke people.
Me: let's go this way. Shopping cart: no.
WELCOME TO PAGE 977 - NOT MUCH MORE TO SAY !!!
One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.
Every time you go to take a picture, when you smile you burn a hole straight through the camera.
n 34 years I've said I love you to two women and every dog I've ever seen.
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.
All the problems fade before a hangover
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
What do you call a dictionary using meth? Addictionary.
It's two in the morning. Do you know where your blankets are?
What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.
Are you a mum? I am not a dad! Maybe you could help me with that!
How do you treat someone with herpes?
With disdain.
Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?
Carrot is orange but orange is not carrot.
Your eyes have a perfect wavelength of 563.4 nm.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Man, a tire's life must suck, we seem them rolling, then we hating.
Here's $10. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled "Beauty and the Beast" you shouldn't ask her which one is which.
Me: And the award for the most awesome daddy goes to...? *6 blinks M: The most awesome daddy award goes to...? *6 blinks M: 6: Luke's dad?
The first band to ever perform live on all seven continents was Metallica.
November 17th is known as “Unfriend Day.” On this day, you should unfriend anybody who you don’t know or speak to.
A 2017 survey found Paraguay to be the happiest country in the world for the second year in a row.
In a few Appalachian forests, there are fireflies that glow blue for up to a minute instead of flashing yellow.
Your so butters that clover the butter company used you in their adverts.
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.