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My girl always tells me "Life is about the little things", but I just hate when she talks about her Ex.
I'm not a stalker, I'm just an unpaid private investigator.
WELCOME TO PAGE 975 !!
You: "Hey! What's your stomach fuel level on?"
Student: "E! I'm starvin'!"
Just finished building the deepest well in England. Got the plans wrong way round, started work on the tallest lighthouse.
On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?
Other people don't like my queue jumping. Especially when I use my motorcycle.
I've seen a turkey but I've never been to Turkey.
Why do people get married? So they can get divorced.
My friend told me he wanted to see Africa and experience seeing people of a different skin color... Later, I had to tell him KFC didn't count as a place.
Useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.
I really lack the words to compliment myself today.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
Ever get it on with a rodent?
I tried eharmony. They kept matching me up with women who look like me in a wig. I'd be too intimidated to date someone that attractive.
I got fired as an estate agent the other day. It was for selling the wrong type of semi.
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A law-botomy.
You're not sure – outrun and make sure.
Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Learn from yesterday, live for today and have hope for tomorrow.
Your phone screen is brighter than your future.
If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
They say people couldn't have everything because they don't have enough space to put it, I say 'everything' includes a bag with infinite space so I can put everything in easily.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.