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I heard you were good at algebra. Can you replace my X without asking y?
The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
WELCOME TO PAGE 976 - AND THE SPAM GOES ON AND ON AND ON !!!
Ready for the only way to enjoy Instagram? Follow zero people. Follow every dog.
Saw a rival dad at Home Depot so I asked if he needed help finding anything.
I had an argument with a woman... yeah... I lost...
Idiot college called, they want their mascot back.
There is no "me" in team. No, wait, yes there is!
HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER INTERNET. PLEASE HELP!!!
I'm guessing I'm not married because I'd take a bullet for a grilled cheese before I'd take one for a girl.
Did you hear about the monkey with a steak on his head, thought he was a grills?
My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
My kid wants $20 to go through a corn maze with his friends, which is $20 more than I normally pay to walk through vegetables.
f you are a bit paranoid, does that mean you're upset with the numbers from 0 to 3?
Wow, this article looks awesome.
clicks link
finds out it's a slideshow
throws computer out the window
I need to get a Transformer for my son for Christmas but it's sold out. I am an optimist primarily so I remain hopeful.
What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog!
For me, being "clean and sober" means I'm showered and headed to the pub.
My wine drinking is merely functional... My personality is better with a little marinade.
Alcohol makes people do things they know they shouldn't but kinda want to. E.g I started sleeping 20 hours a day.
If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it."
Getting a red heart instead of a yellow star makes me feel like things are moving a little too fast between us.
I can feel the gluons being exchanged between us.
I hate the part of the conversation where the other person says things.
There's a lot of pretty woman at spring because during other seasons you appreciate them with your brain.
Twitter is just LinkedIn for the chronically unemployed.
If I can't buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.