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He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."
I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."
I love my motorcycle - it's great for getting to the front of queues quicker. It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off...
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WELCOME TO PAGE 959 !!! ON THE WAY TO 975
Leaves rustle in the forest, accompanying the gentle breeze, creating a natural symphony.
What did one telephone say to another? "You are too young to be engaged!"
A rooftop garden offers respite from the urban hustle, a serene oasis above the cityscape.
My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house
Got a neighbor who's a real patriot? Always flying the flag? Sneak out late at night and replace it with a large pair of boxer shorts.
Children's gleeful shouts fill a neighborhood playground, a testament to the joy of youth.
The rhythmic keystrokes of a typist echo in a quiet corner, a throwback to simpler times.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
On St. Patrick's Day I like to make believe I'm Irish. Just like at Christmas when I make believe I'm good.
Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change Of Plans, Guys!
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
There was only 2 things I was good at in school... Maths.
I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my like on Facebook you better bring it.
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love.
Friends gather in a community park for an impromptu picnic, laughter echoing through the greenery
I love coffee. It's Redbull for old people.
Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where saluting the moths of the year become more important than to salute your friends...
A solitary oak tree stands majestically in a field, casting a long shadow in the afternoon sun.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die.
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: opens front facing camera
The aroma of freshly ground coffee beans permeates a trendy cafe, inviting patrons inside.
Me: I don't scare easily. Pregnant wife: All four of our daughters will be teenagers at the same time. Me: never stops screaming
You can have too much of a good thing: birthdays.