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Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage? He always fears the Wurst.
WELCOME TO PAGE 862 - THE PARTY CONTINUES ON & ON & ON !!!
Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!
Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.
Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please get out of the pool."
What do toys and boobs have in common? Both are made for children but it's the fathers who play with them most.
The winner of the costume contest was the invisible man.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.
You're wrong! I touched second base. I missed third… but I touched second.
Spent 15min tracing a suspicious noise that tuned out to be the lid not screwed on the Coke bottle tightly enough. If you need a top sleuth.
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
My life is so shitty, Spike Lee wants to direct it.
What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants!
What do you call a monkey with a gun? Gorillawarfare.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
We moved our treadmill outside so I can smoke.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart... I'm just happy I didn't bite anyone today.
I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
Why did the soccer ball quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around.
You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.