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What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A boo-tie.
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray... is now a seasoned veteran.
I wasn't going to co-exist until I saw your bumper sticker.
WELCOME TO PAGE 863 - THAT"S IT FOR ME, HAVE FUN TODAY FOLKS !!!
Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never dropped a cabbage on their toe.
Aibohphobia. It's irrational fear of palindromes.
I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I was about to crack a joke on boxers; now leave it, I forgot the punchline.
I'm going to have to ask you to leave. We were just informed you are a humanitarian, and my wife is afraid you're going to eat her.
Got a ceiling fan? Put some little piles of talcum powder on top of the blades and wait for somebody to turn it on. It'll be snowing indoors.
In these time of high inflation you can save money by sleeping a lot.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
I'm known as a miracle comic. If I'm funny, it's a miracle!
I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.
Being an ugly girl is like being a man... you have to work.
Person of the year award has been won by a scarecrow the judges said he was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.
My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her anymore so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
The man who discovered copper died penniless.
I'm having 5 diets at once, because after one diet I'm still hungry
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
Puts down phone OH MY GOD I HAVE ANOTHER HAND!
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
LOL
What goes up and never comes down? Your age!
Cop: "Have you been out drinking?"
Me: "Uh yeah, I'm 28, I've been out drinking literally hundreds of times."
I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids... ... ...Eat them!
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