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WELCOME TO PAGE 861 - TIME TO DANCE NOW !!!
You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.
You look like somebody stepped on a goldfish.
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
So old that your first car was a covered wagon.
Before starting to stand up comedy I used to think I'll die of hunger. Now, I'm quite sure about it.
If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it.
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
There are no limits to my perfection – a monkey was thinking while looking at a human.
My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning.
I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.
I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.
Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to fallout
Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.
Kobe Bryant wears the number 24 to remind himself of how many seconds he has to hog the ball.
I like jokes but i like hu mor.
Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.
Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future.
Marriage and smoking are similar. You start because you want to and you continue because you have to.
The Buddhist Mafia is called Karma.
What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!
Why did the teacher jump into the water? She wanted to test the water!
I organized a threesome for Bob's last night of freedom. There were a couple of no-shows, but he still had fun.
Black humor is like food, not everyone gets it.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.