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I should have known that my marriage was bound to be doomed when my wife choose to have her vows be read from the Necronomicom.
Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
WELCOME TO PAGE 843 - ON THE ROAD TO PAGE 850 !!!
Some people are like arguing with a forest fire.
Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's marriage.
What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland? Summer!
One day we shall wake up together: me and my money.
It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.
Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score.
The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
How Do they say "F**k You" in Hollywood? "Trust Me..."
What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?
How does an elephant climb a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
There's a reason it's called "girls gone wild" and not "women gone wild". When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
I went geese hunting the other day but once they started flying I knew the game was up.
Why did the volleyball player cross the road? There are players on the other side.
After Yoko Ono told John Lennon she loves him 8 days a week, Lennon wrote the song "Help!".
My wife asked me "What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?" I said "slim to nun".
Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.
New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.
You know you're fat when you step on the scale and it says "one at a time please".
A liberal is a conservative who's been arrested. A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke."
A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily…
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket ... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!