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What is an extreme sport? Doing you homework, while the teacher is collecting it.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.
I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?
WELCOME TO PAGE 839 - THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY !!!
What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!
Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
I used to a fan of evolution. But then I have evolved.
wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me climbing out of fort YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
People think New Years is a life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.
What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.
I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get to the beach? Puritan.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because the octopus was well armed.
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language? "Nobody's perfect!"
I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!
I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle? Because if you add 4 + 4 you get ate!
A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion.
Her: "Do you like cats?"
Me flipping menu: "What page are you on?"
I'd pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand.
Mom, thanks for providing me with love that's as never-ending as your voicemails.
An invention of the hug: "You look sad. Let me choke your whole body"
Why should you wary of stairs? Because they are always up to something.
My wife said wanted something shiny that went from 0-150 in under 2 seconds. I gave her a scale.
Scientists are concerned the legalization of marijuana in Canada may result in an entire nation of overly friendly and polite people.
When I told my family I wanted to do stand-up comedy all they did was laugh.