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Where do fish work? The offish.
Goes to the gym, lays on the mat to stretch, falls asleep.
Temples are free to enter but still empty. Pubs charge to enter, but are full. People ignore inner peace &choose to pay for self destruction
WELCOME TO PAGE 838 - THE PAGE THAT WROTE ITSELF !!!
How did the reporter kill himself? Noosepaper.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
I realize that did not sound quite like I meant to say it, the page is not actually going to write itself, but it will go by fast.
Throws salad into a garden: "Go home boy... you're free now."
Neil Armstrong's only regret while he was alive was that he forgot to take a selfie on the moon.
Why won't women make good Carpenters? Because men have been saying this much is a foot for years.
If Russians pronounce B's as V's then Soviet.
Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.
Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.
Shocked by the Sears news today, I had no idea it was still open.
If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right.
"Why don't you trust me?", she texted both the guys simultaneously.
What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car? A dodge!
Did you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up!
People keep telling me to become a stand-up comedian and I'm like "Ugh, standing."
Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? She will Let It Go!
Money is the root of all wealth.
What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there is lots of school spirit!
My wife has left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.