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Why do soccer players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads!
I took my relatives kids to the movies it only cost all the money I had for the cookout tomorrow and my rent.
When a twitter troll disappears it just means his mom changed the wifi password until his chores are done.
What did the Valentine's Day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places.
I threw my toaster away because it kept burning my bread. You could say I'm black toast intolerant.
If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
WELCOME TO PAGE 807 - THE SAGA CONTINUES !!!
Women who seek to be equal to men...LACK AMBITION!
Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!
You are so poor when you saw the garbage truck pass you took a shopping list with.
Bugs come in through open Windows.
A long time ago we had Empires run by Emperors. Then we had Kingdoms run by Kings. Now we have Countries ..
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.
I could make jokes about bears, but they are unbearable.
If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
What did the farmer say when his hay started blowing away? Hay, come back!
What do you call a Russian procrastinator? Putinoff.
What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!
Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
Why did the prawn leave the nightclub? Because he pulled a muscle.
Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.
The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.