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THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
WELCOME TO PAGE 806 - TWO CELLOS CONTINUES !!!
Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen.
I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
I mostly just scroll through Instagram as a reminder of what brands I said out loud yesterday.
My favorite part of Fall is walking through a hundred spider webs a day and screaming every single time.
What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend.
When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams?
I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it's pointless!
I sent a clown to deliver some flowers to my wife... I thought it would be a romantic jester...
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
I made a mistake at the grocery store.
I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up.
The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.
If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
I may not be Dairy Queen, baby, but I'll treat you right!
If your parachute won't open, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
Make sure you limit your video game time today, I don't want you to become super violent. Remember, before video games war wasn't a thing.
If the sun is so hot how come it's single.
I entered 10 puns into a pun contest hoping at least one would win. But no pun in ten did.
I'm aging like a fine banana.