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WELCOME TO PAGE 647 - GOGOGO 650 !!!
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.
I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer it came... Then it hit me!
Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.
Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee.
What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.
Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"
When You're so sad that even Bob the Builder can't fix your life.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick. How low can you get?
Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
What does snowman have and snow women doesn't, snowballs.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear it... is he still wrong?
First woman: My son came to visit for summer vacation.
Second woman: How nice! Did you meet him at the airport?
First woman: Oh, no. I've known him for years!
I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.
I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Boss: "You're fired."
Me slam fist on the couch: "You woke me up for this?"
My wife says I only have two faults... I don't listen, and something else!
Hello, you've reached 1-800-NARCISSIST, how can you help me?
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.