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My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how. I didn't even know it was her birthday.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Patient: "Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: "Next time, take off the candles."
I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can they not hear the music?
Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
WELCOME TO PAGE 575 - THE SORT OF ROUND NUMBER PAGE !!!
We come to love not by finding a perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.
I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Beauty is only skin deep ...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.
My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "yeah, Deez-el fit her."
Did you hear about that guy who fell into the infinity pool? Yeah... it took him forever to get out.
My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
One way or another, I'm really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics...
I sleep in castle every two weeks. It's my fort night.
I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.