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Last Father's Day my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
WELCOME TO PAGE 574 - ON THE WAY TO 600 !!!!
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Friend: "I don't want to bore you with my problems."
Me: "Awesome, thank you."
Dear alma mater, please don't send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing.
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said: "This isn't working". Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
I went into the bookshop and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: "Hardback?" and I replied "Yeah, and little heads."
How do you know your old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are still looking into it.
Doc says, "Joe, I got some bad news for you. You've got six months to live."
Joe says, "Six months? Doc, I can't pay your bill in six months, I can't do it!"
Doc says, "OK, I give you a year..."
Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
The road to success is always under construction.
My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
My love is like communism; everyone gets a share, and it's only good in theory.
If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
Yesterday I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
I'm changing my name to 'Benefits' on Facebook. Next time someone adds me, It will say "you are now friends with Benefits."
I applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing.
I told my girlfriend to text me when she got home... she must be homeless.
When you realize that waiting for the waiter makes you the waiter.