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DAD JOKES
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.
DAD JOKES
In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.
Sherlock Holmes NEVER said “Elementary, my dear Watson”
Humphrey Bogart NEVER said “Play it again, Sam” in Casablanca
They NEVER said “Beam me up, Scotty” on Star Trek.
Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokes model.
More people are afraid of open spaces (kenophobia) than of tight spaces (claustrophobia).
DAD JOKES
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”
DAD JOKES
I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.
DAD JOKES
What do you call bears with no ears? B.
DAD JOKES
What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
DAD JOKES
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
There is a 1 in 4 chance that New York will have a white Christmas.
The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Libraries.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
$203,000,000 is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.
Every US president has worn glasses (just not always in public).
DAD JOKES
I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.
DAD JOKES
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
DAD JOKES
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.
The willow tree is recognized for its graceful, drooping branches and is often associated with a sense of calm and serenity.
DAD JOKES
What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
Pine trees are evergreens that provide year-round shade and are commonly used for timber production
DAD JOKES
I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
The willow tree's bark contains salicin, a compound used in the synthesis of aspirin
DAD JOKES
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
DAD JOKES
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
DAD JOKES
My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.
DAD JOKES
My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."
DAD JOKES
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf