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DAD JOKES
Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.
DAD JOKES
What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
DAD JOKES
Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.
DAD JOKES
I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.
She said I won’t be able to make it.
DAD JOKES
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
DAD JOKES
I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.
hello
DAD JOKES
A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."
DAD JOKES
Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.
DAD JOKES
I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."
DAD JOKES
What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.
DAD JOKES
30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.
DAD JOKES
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
DAD JOKES
I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
DAD JOKES
You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.
DAD JOKES
My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.
DAD JOKES
Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.
DAD JOKES
I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.
Clothes, but no cigar.
DAD JOKES
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.
DAD JOKES
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.
DAD JOKES
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
DAD JOKES
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
DAD JOKES
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
DAD JOKES
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
DAD JOKES
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
DAD JOKES
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
DAD JOKES
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
DAD JOKES
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
DAD JOKES
If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.
DAD JOKES
I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.