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DAD JOKES
My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.
DAD JOKES
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
DAD JOKES
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
DAD JOKES
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
DAD JOKES
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
DAD JOKES
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
DAD JOKES
Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time
DAD JOKES
During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.
DAD JOKES
Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.
DAD JOKES
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
DAD JOKES
When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.
DAD JOKES
“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
DAD JOKES
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
DAD JOKES
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
DAD JOKES
What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.
DAD JOKES
How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.
DAD JOKES
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
DAD JOKES
I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
DAD JOKES
What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
DAD JOKES
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
DAD JOKES
Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
DAD JOKES
What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
DAD JOKES
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
DAD JOKES
A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.
DAD JOKES
How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!
DAD JOKES
How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
DAD JOKES
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.
DAD JOKES
Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.
DAD JOKES
What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.
DAD JOKES
I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.