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to be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.
WELCOME TO PAGE 529 - THE PARTY IS STILL A PARTY !!!
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
Last night in my dream I was peeing in bed. Dreams do come true I realized in the morning.
Everyone my age is older than me...
Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end.
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot... it's on the right foot.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.
Dont be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.