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I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
While most puns make me feel numb, mathematic puns make me feel number.
What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.
I like to give people blank "Thank you" cards for their birthdays and then when they ask me what it's for I say, "You'll thank me later!"
WELCOME TO PAGE 879 - MAYBE FRANK WILL FINALLY LEAVE AFTER PAGE 880 !!
Math puns are the first sine of madness!
What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? Two points, just like everyone else!
When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.
I've seen a meteor shower, but never seen a meteor take a bath.
You can't know a person well until you live with them. You can't know them really well until you divorce them.
Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child I wanted a dog.
By age 35 you should hate the last three albums by your favorite band.
What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls. There under a buck.
hello page 879
My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.
The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.
An angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it will take her a week to pack for vacation? Women...
Hi. Nice to see you.
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Why did the summer school teacher wear sunglasses? Because her class was so bright!
Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in
I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.
When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.
Hahaha. Hello, glad to have you here too
I am rarely more focused on 5 seconds than when I'm waiting to skip an ad on the internet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
They lie about marijuana: "Marijuana makes you unmotivated." Lie. When you're high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it's not worth the effort. There's a difference.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
The sun sets behind the mountains, casting a warm, golden glow across the tranquil lake