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I hate when people ask for likes... Like this comment if you agree!
WELCOME TO PAGE 878 - ALMOST THERE !!!
Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"
You should be happy we're having turkey, rather than the turkey have us.
Cowgirls are like cow patty's - the older they are, the easier they are to pick up.
The Stockholm archipelago has more islands than the Pacific Ocean, at around 30,000.
Why do Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns ?
At our family BBQ's my dad would serve us briquettes and say the marshmallows burned.
If you love a woman, you shouldn't be ashamed to show her to your wife.
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Why do people ask me if I'm "hiding", if I was hiding you wouldn't see me!
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea. My boss told me to get my shit together.
Smaller babies may be delivered by storks but the heavier ones would need a crane!
Sometimes God sends one of your EXs back in life just to check if you are still stupid.
In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
I'm selling a parachute – just as new, used only one time, didn't open once.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Two wrongs don't make a right, take my parents as an example.
Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
Mexican Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.
Noah's diary: "Day 35: Unicorn pie is really delicious!"
I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober!
Loltard: Someone who uses 'lol' too much.
"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.