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When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.
I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I'll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I'd do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.
What do you call a young army? Infantry.
WELCOME TO PAGE 874 - PAGE 875 IS LOOKING PRETTY GOOD RIGHT NOW !!!
Despite my last 7,000 comments, I'm actually really funny.
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
I would tell a history joke, but they're too old fashioned.
Sometimes I think I am a bad mother because I don't like wine.
I drink to forget that I accidentally once said "I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says "hey, I just wanna be friends."
My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary. I learned next to nothing.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
A wise dog once told me: "Life is like a box of chocolates... it kills you."
We all have one ginger friend that claims to be "strawberry blonde".
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
How do teddy bears keep their den cool in summer? They use bear conditioning!
So, my neighbor with the big boobs is outside gardening topless today... I just wish his wife would do the same!
have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Do I play fantasy football? Dude, I'm 66 and married. Most of my life is fantasy.
What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date.
Hello, I would like to double the bandwidth.
Order: 6626087339
Thanks!
To make a millennial laugh, just tell them how people used to believe a business or government would actually keep information confidential.
Photography tips:
1. Stop aiming the camera at yourself
I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny
When some one types "kys," the way you can get them back is type, "Kiss? Aww, thanks!" They wil probably think you are stupid, but it is still hilarious.