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I grew up so poor we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.
My girlfriend broke up with me for being too 'un-American'. I saw it coming from a kilometre away.
WELCOME TO PAGE 873 - YEP, IT'S FRANK DOES BAD JOKES TIME !!
Why do kissing scenes in nearly every show have to use the soundtrack from a toddler slurping jello off of a plastic plate?
Boy: "Are you dead because it looks like you dropped from heaven."
Girl: "Yeah I died I long time ago, just like that line."
I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.
The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables? No Ikea!
Why is Hulk such a good gardener? He's got green fingers.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it's always good to preorder.
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
A Pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza left.
I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.
Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.
I'm going to open a half way house for girls who don't want to go all the way!
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...
Why does Dwyane Wade wear number 3? Because that's a number of minutes he can stay on the court without getting hurt.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
It takes two to lie... One to lie and one to listen...
Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.
What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all. We call that one a "unicorn"
What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.