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It seems like less people are solving their differences with dance offs these days.
WELCOME TO PAGE 872 - WE'RE WORKING OUR WAY TO PAGE 900 !!!
There's a reason it's called "girls gone wild" and not "women gone wild". When girls go wild, they show their boobs. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
What is the ETA for 900?
Sometime Tuesday I expect.
Although I am planning on throwing a few logs on the fire here soon.
I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man – I hate those people.
After the weekend the most difficult task is to remember names…
2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:
1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.
Someone says to his friend: "I bought a cat"
And the other: "You have to be kitten me!"
How do you scare a snowman? You get a hairdryer!
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Why do birds fly south in the Fall? Because it's too far to walk.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed? Nothing.
How do you get a couple of fat birds into bed? Piece of cake.
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.
Born free, taxed to death.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
When the bank gives my kid a lollipop I take it and eat it because I want him to understand how banks really work.
Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Just remember, it's better to pay full price than to admit you're a senior citizen.
I was almost the hero once when I went out looking for a lost hiker in the woods, but when I heard him yelling 'I'm here. I'm over here.', in the distance, I realized he knew exactly where he was and wasn't lost, at all, so I called off the search.
Marriage advice: Five worst things you can do
5 Abandon
4 Lie
3 Cheat
2 Abuse
1 Forget to start the dishwasher
3-year-old: What's a swear word?
Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad.
3: Is my middle name a swear word?
The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50%... per boob!
Interviewer: "Why do you want this job?"
Me: "I've just always been very passionate about not starving to death."
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!