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Why are cats, bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
I think the most exciting thing about being an adult is never knowing what part of your body is going to hurt the next day
Sorry I missed your call, I was busy seeing how many times my phone would ring before you gave up.
WELCOME TO PAGE 849 - ONLY ONE MORE PAGE OF BAD JOKES BEFORE MOVING ON TH 850!!!
What did the math book say to the psychologist? "Would you like to hear my problems?"
What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper!
I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.
In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.
What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
What did the Zero say to the Eight? Nice belt!
Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites !
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Let's walk and talk. You go that way.
How do you make NY Jets cookies? Put them in a bowl and beat them for three hours.
Why can't you play badminton in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs.
What do you call a bunch of blueberries playing the guitar? A jam session.
My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing.
Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
If you say "I knew you were going to say that" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
How come you're responsible if you do your taxes in March, but I'm crazy when I do my trick-or-treating in September?
Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke' one.
I get most of my daily exercise from shrugging.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.