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The results of a Harvard study found that 9 out of 10 people who do not eat meat suffer from chronic constipation, proving that what happens in vegans, stays in vegans.
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
WELCOME TO PAGE 848 - ONLY TWO MORE TO GO UNTIL PAGE 850 !!!
Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it.
Me: Real women don't care about romantic clichés. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers.
I saw some dude trick a vegan into eating real cheese. How dairy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, "Wait, I can change."
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
The only time the world beats a path to your door...
It is when you're in the bathroom!
I'm pretty sure I'm going to die without knowing what 95% of a scientific calculator is used for.
If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English...
The slogan for Canada Dry should be "I hope you feel better."
I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on Snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift.
You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.
Can't wait to start my New Years resolution of 2018!
April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
What did the jester say to the criminal at the guillotine? "Stay calm, and do not lose your head."
The best way to remember your 21st birthday, is not at all. Have fun blacking out.
My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.
The quickest way to sober up during a night out is to pat your pockets and not feel your phone.
Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6". His statue is 17ft 4". That's Horatio of about 3:1.
Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl. Friend: Who?
Well, just told the Starbucks barista my name is "No War in Syria". I know it's not much, but I hope it helps.
What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test
Why did Michael's grades drop after the holidays? Because everything was marked down!
Wolverine is a man of many talons, isn't he?
What kind of tea do you drink with the Queen? Royal tea.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.