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Comments

  • The results of a Harvard study found that 9 out of 10 people who do not eat meat suffer from chronic constipation, proving that what happens in vegans, stays in vegans.

  • Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

  • Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

  • WELCOME TO PAGE 848 - ONLY TWO MORE TO GO UNTIL PAGE 850 !!!

  • Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it.

  • Me: Real women don't care about romantic clichés. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers.

  • I saw some dude trick a vegan into eating real cheese. How dairy.

  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

  • My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, "Wait, I can change."

  • There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

  • The only time the world beats a path to your door...
    It is when you're in the bathroom!

  • I'm pretty sure I'm going to die without knowing what 95% of a scientific calculator is used for.

  • If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English...

  • The slogan for Canada Dry should be "I hope you feel better."

  • I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on Snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift.

  • You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.

  • Can't wait to start my New Years resolution of 2018!

  • April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

  • What did the jester say to the criminal at the guillotine? "Stay calm, and do not lose your head."

  • The best way to remember your 21st birthday, is not at all. Have fun blacking out.

  • My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

  • The quickest way to sober up during a night out is to pat your pockets and not feel your phone.

  • Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6". His statue is 17ft 4". That's Horatio of about 3:1.

  • Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl. Friend: Who?

  • Well, just told the Starbucks barista my name is "No War in Syria". I know it's not much, but I hope it helps.

  • What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test

  • Why did Michael's grades drop after the holidays? Because everything was marked down!

  • Wolverine is a man of many talons, isn't he?

  • What kind of tea do you drink with the Queen? Royal tea.

  • I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

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