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The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something...
Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!
What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a hamburger? Fastfood!
When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your mom and dad grow u
WELCOME TO PAGE 847 - ONLY THREE MORE TO GO TO PAGE 850 !!!
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
I wish I had a man around the house... to hand me my tools while I'm fixing things.
I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldn't hack IT.
Tarzan doesn't have a beard. Yet he lives in the jungle for over 30 years.
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!"
Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: "Where to Stay on Vacation" by Moe Tell.
30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown.
Deodorant? No, I've never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes.
My dad was a stalker. I want to follow him in his footsteps.
Did you hear about the junkie that was addicted to brake fluid and Crystal Meth? He said he could stop anytime.
What is the difference between a girl and a cellphone... You can put a cellphone on silent.
Why did the lady sing lullabies to her purse? She wanted a sleeping bag!
Whenever I get on my roof to clean the gutters, I always slip and fall. Every shingle time.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush', ‘Dick', and ‘Colon'. Need I say more?
Can February March? No, but April May!
I would count my blessings on Thanksgiving, but my relatives outnumber them.
Thinking of sleeping on my husband's side of the bed today. Apparently from that side, you don't hear the kids wake up at night.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.
Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!
Why can't pigs tell a joke? Because they're such a bore.
Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If I discovered a new animal I'd call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians.
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'