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I had such a crush on my sixth-grade teacher... I was home schooled.
White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.
WELCOME TO PAGE 846 -- ALMOST THERE !!!
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses!
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.I am wearing a house.
Can't throw the ball, kept on bouncing away: situation is out of hand.
I am right ninety eight percent of the time - who cares about the other three percent.
People who make you feel special are keepers. Anyone with such good taste has to be admired.
Why did the robot go on summer vacation? He needed to recharge his batteries.
Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it.
Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.
I asked my friend for a sharpened pencil, but he didn't have one. I always knew he was a little dull...
What is it? "It" is a pronoun.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Haven't seen any UFOs lately. Wondering if the galaxy is downsizing their space programs too.
Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!
It is better to be on seventh heaven, rather than on the seventh month.
Stop referring to us as "weed smokers". From now on, you can call us "your highness".
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!
Here's a step by step guide to walking up the stairs, step 1) Right foot, step 2) Left foot, step 3) Right foot...
When will pigs fly? When we launch them to mars for the astronauts to have bacon!
I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.
I don't like telling dairy jokes 'cause they're always too cheesy.
I just drank a monster energy drink and I'm still depressed but like, excitedl
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
Q: How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"
In India a man was bitten by a snake as he tried to take a 'selfie'. How the snake managed to bite the man and hold a phone simultaneously is a mystery.