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Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
The person next to me on this train hasn't stopped talking loudly the whole journey! I'm starting to regret marrying her.
We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that mean
Nutella: A reason to buy bread.
WELCOME TO PAGE 845 - FIVE MORE TO GO TO PAGE 850 !!!
We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I took a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".
My idea of flirting is giving a girl 1 of my 10 tacos.
We need to show compassion for the mentally ill without letting them run for President.
Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching.
Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up!
I'm rich; what am I supposed to do, hide it?
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell color 9.
The girl at the bar: "You're funny."
I bring her over to meet my wife: "Tell her what you said."
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Sirl: Yes, February 14th.
Recently I heard about a vampire that was so mathematically challenged that he couldn't count Dracula!
When we were young, we would compare liquor and women. Now we compare statins.
I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no, he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.
Cannibals like to meat people.
I have an 8:30 dinner reservation tonight. That's like midnight in middle-age time.
What is live? Life is love. Whats love? Love is kissing. Whats kissing? Come here and I show you.
No matter what has happened. No matter what you've done. No matter what you will do. I will always love you. I swear it.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it's too late to start watching anything.
Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear
What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.
I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Edit: Wow, can't believe this blew up.
What did Mister A say to Mister E? It's the popular mystery.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.